CONSOLATION CORNER – COMPLICATED GRIEF

Have you ever heard the term “complicated grief?”

Sometimes it refers to the length of time one spends grieving. Because we live in a society where we rush from one task to another, there can be      expectations – from others or self-imposed – that one should be “over the loss” or at least “doing better” by a certain point.

But grief knows no timeline nor does it follow “rules.”

Complicated grief can also refer to the type of death. A miscarriage, a stillbirth or the death of a baby or a child is particularly tragic because children are not supposed to predecease their parents. There can be misperceptions that the loss can’t be as significant if the baby hasn’t been born yet – including the death of a baby labeled “abortion.” And how can parents possibly be consoled at the loss of a child and all the accompanying dreams for the future? So some people think it’s less painful to avoid conversation about the loss, further complicating our emotional responses.

Death by murder or suicide are also losses that complicate our grief. Guilt, shame, society’s reactions and misunderstandings taint our reactions. Guilt that we didn’t do more, that we weren’t aware of undue stress; shame that we feel abandoned in this time of need because the reactions of others lead to silence when all we want to do is talk about our loved ones.

Often the stigma attached to suicide can result in isolation, compounding the pain. Misunderstandings about the Church’s response, such as whether a Mass of the Resurrection can be celebrated after a suicide (or the death of a baby not carried to term) complicate our grief. A psychiatrist once told me that clinical depression is a terminal illness. That helped me to understand that it is not the “fault” of the deceased. Any baptized Catholic is eligible to be buried following a Mass of Christian Burial. Suicide is a tragedy, often the result of mental illness, not an act of despair.

God’s love embraces us always. Our loved ones deserve to have their memories honored. We must work at redeeming the lives of our loved ones who have died by suicide and support their suffering family and friends.

“Nothing can make up for the absence of someone we love. God doesn’t fill the gap but keeps it empty to help us keep alive our communion with each other, even at the cost of pain,” says Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a Lutheran pastor and writer executed by the Nazis.

Above all, let us be kind and compassionate to each other. If you are not getting what you need in times of difficulty, please reach out.

     In an ongoing effort to offer bereavement support, this column, written by Julie Laurenzi, a retired licensed clinical social worker and head of our Consolation Ministry, will periodically appear here.Reach out to her at 518-225-1170 or Julie.laurenzi@gmail.com with questions or suggestions

 

IN THE LOOP

At 7 p.m. Monday, July 21, the 45-plus member Pine Bush Community Band will again engage and entertain with an eclectic and energetic free concert inside the main church. Bring a neighbor and enjoy someone else’s air-conditioning!

You know the deal – roll into Deacon John Hall around 7 p.m. on Friday, July 25 for the next Game Night. Move ahead six spaces to your place at a table. Enjoy your snacks, the friendly competition of a favorite game and laughter!

Capuchin Youth & Family Ministries’ Catholic Literature Arts summer program (CLASP) will take place August 3-8 in Wappingers Falls. This theater-arts summer camp ends with the performance of an original musical. For info: cyfm.org.

 

CONSOLATION CORNER

In an ongoing effort to support parishioners and friends during the difficult time of bereavement, this column, written by Julie Laurenzi, a retired licensed clinical social worker and head of our Consolation Ministry, will periodically appear to offer information on a variety of related topics. Feel free to reach out to her directly at 518-225-1170 or Julie.laurenzi@gmail.com with questions or suggestions

Funerals are a fact of life, and the older we get, the more frequent they can become. Yet, funerals find many of us “tongue-tied.” We want to be supportive but feel awkward. A common question is: “What should I say” –  or not say?

Remember that your presence itself is a gift. Families may not recall what you say, but they will remember you were there. Attend the visitation or funeral and sign the book.

Appearing too upbeat may not be helpful, and offering platitudes may not be comforting. For example, don’t say, “I know exactly how you feel” or “God never gives us more than we can handle” or “Just try to be strong.”  Instead, a simple and sincere “My condolences” is often enough, or “I’m thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.” If you have more of a connection with the bereaved, phrases such as “We all need support in times like this, and I’m here for you,” “I know how special she was to you” or “Your Mom was an inspiration to me” are all appropriate.

If you have a positive story, telling it may evoke other memories and be a source of healing. However, be mindful of how many people are in line behind you waiting to pay their respects and adjust the amount of time you spend talking. Greeting the guests can be overwhelming and exhausting for the family.

Another option would be to share a memory in a note sent shortly after the funeral. This also gives you time to read your message out loud and ask yourself:  “How would I feel if someone wrote this to me?”

FAMILY DEVOTIONAL SERIES

Chris Worthington and Deb Harrison, our youth ministers, have launched a new venture: The SPYM Family Devotional Series!  They first review the reading in the “Living Faith: Daily Catholic Devotions” to ascertain the day’s core message and then determine how to present it to their audience. A short video, which includes a Scripture reading and thoughts for our youth and their parents to reflect upon, is then recorded and uploaded. Each weekday offers a new Devotional, which can be accessed using the YouTube link below or on Facebook and Instagram. Check it out!

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzyEey5tXCyu