When a loved one passes, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and other milestones are forever changed, even though the accompanying sadness will not always be as intense. There is no right or wrong way to get through a difficult day, although well-meaning friends might offer advice that may or may not be helpful.
The first Christmas without my mother-in-law was especially difficult because it closely aligned with the anniversary of her death. A friend encouraged us to celebrate in a completely different manner. Instead of embracing our family traditions, which included The Feast of Seven Fishes (a meatless Christmas Eve meal) against a background of many joyous, music-filled hours, we went to a restaurant. The whole family relived the painful mourning of the previous year in a setting that felt off. The four kids ordered plain sandwiches. No one was comfortable, and it certainly did not feel like Christmas!
We realized afterward that to honor her was to celebrate with the very traditions that she found so meaningful. Along with delicious food and the specialties of the season, we shared fond memories and humorous stories. It felt like Christmas again!
When my husband died, I was alone. However, I carefully planned for that first anniversary. I spent it in a way that honored his memory as well as my grief – in nature, something important to both of us. I hiked in the mountains, comforted by the butterflies that flitted nearby, the sound of birds chirping and the memories of the love I was privileged to have known.
Each of us needs to look into our hearts to figure out how best to cope with a milestone: Alone or with family? At home or traveling? Eating special foods or exploring new possibilities? Ultimately, these are your decisions. I have found that planning and discussing those plans with family, making time for rest and prayer, and adding some new traditions are helpful.
Allow for tears and consider a memorial ritual – donate to a charity, volunteer at a food pantry, visit the cemetery or light a candle. Some milestones are more difficult than others, and you might find that your fear of the day is worse than the day itself.
St. Francis de Sales advises “Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you today and every day. He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.”
May you be blessed as you journey.