Category: Consolation Corner

CONSOLATION CORNER – REGRET

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Regret is a common visitor to those who grieve.

Regret is the sadness that accompanies “If only…” and “I should have…”

Regret is also frequently accompanied by guilt, contrition and disappointment.

My personal experience leads me to advise not to let regret fester. Regret looks back, it lingers in the past and delays or prevents us from moving forward. Regret cannot change the decisions we have made.

There is a reason that the phrase “Hindsight is 20/20” is so commonly used. If we could only see the consequences of our words or actions beforehand, we would be better able to edit ourselves. But we aren’t equipped with crystal balls, and part of the human experience is to make mistakes. That is how we grow.

However, when there is the loss of a loved one, perceived mistakes are often amplified and can overshadow all the blessings in the relationship if we let them.

During this beautiful season on hope, perhaps you will gift yourself with forgiveness. Taste the feeling deep within you when you say, “I did the best I could at that time” or “I am just where I need to be.” We are not defined by our mistakes.

May you have a blessed Christmas and a New Year filled with Peace!

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     In an ongoing effort to offer bereavement support, this column, written by Julie Laurenzi, a retired licensed clinical social worker and head of our Consolation Ministry, will periodically appear here. Reach out to her at 518-225-1170 or Julie.laurenzi@gmail.com with questions or suggestions

CONSOLATION CORNER – NOVEMBER’S CHALLENGES

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November can be a difficult month for many, even for those who are not grieving. Along with nightfall now arriving in the late afternoon, there seem to be fewer sunny days in general. The month ends with Thanksgiving, the preparations for which can be stressful.

As our days shorten, it is easy to feel sad, especially for those who now find themselves living alone. I have personally learned to take comfort in our Catholic belief in the Communion of Saints: Those who have gone before us are still with us in Spirit.

November opened last week with two significant feast days, All Saints and All Souls, when we celebrate the Communion of Saints. Those feast days give us the opportunity to honor our loved ones and to feel a special connection with them. We prayed for them, and continue to pray for them, as they pray for us.

I saw a video once that portrayed a Mass through the eyes of a grief-stricken man struggling to believe. As the priest walked down the aisle, the man envisioned all his deceased relatives and friends following him, joyfully praising God. They gathered around the altar to celebrate Mass. The man no longer felt alone but was lifted by his belief.

Our experiences of grief and mourning are not only as unique as we are but are altered by the type of loss. The grief experienced when we lose a spouse is not the same as when the loss is a child, a parent, a good friend. Our last encounters also color our mourning – whether we said goodbye, expressed our love and gratitude or resolved an argument.

There are resources to help in this process. Along with the Coping with Loss during the Holidays program that the Consolation Ministry is offering here next Saturday (see “Holidays and Grief” to the right), a publication that I find quite helpful is “Grieving with the Help of Your Catholic Faith,” by Lorene Hanley Duquin.

Remember, too, that God gives us time and grace to deal with loss. We are part of a larger family, the family of God.

We end the month with the blessing of Thanks-giving, and it is a blessing. Maybe preparations need to be scaled down to make the day more manageable. A new tradition might be a good choice or honoring an old one even better. There is no escaping that each holiday evokes memories, some happy and some sad. However, those memories allow us to express gratitude for the years we had with our loved ones and embrace the knowledge that they join us at our table in Spirit and Love.

CONSOLATION CORNER – ANTICIPATORY GRIEF

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You probably have heard about the stages of grief that follow the loss of a loved one: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance and Hope.

Not all of these components are experienced by everyone, nor are they necessarily experienced in what might seem to be a logical linear order. Grief is a very individualized process.

And sometimes the stages of grief even begin well before the loss. It is common to many of us but rarely talked about: Anticipatory Grief.

If your loved one has received news of a terminal illness or a condition for which there is no cure, such as stage 4 cancer or Alzheimer’s or another neurological disease, this will be all too familiar. There is shock and denial: “This can’t be happening” or “There must be a mistake.”  Anger: “It’s not fair.” Bargaining: “What if…” or “If only…” Depression: “What’s the point of trying?”  “Life will never be the same.”  Finally, Acceptance and Hope open the door to finding a way to move forward.

What a terrible dilemma!  We want to comfort and care for our loved one, not prepare for their death.  It doesn’t feel right somehow.

Caregivers face myriad conflicting emotions: The strain of anticipating – and then coping with – the changes in their loved one, which are heightened by the fear of the unknown. They balance vulnerability with the need to “stay strong,” grief versus gratitude, guilt versus resentment. No wonder caregiving takes such a physical and emotional toll on the caregiver.

Family dynamics can further complicate matters. The bigger the family, the more opinions there are.

Unresolved family issues can bubble up, particularly at a time when the primary caregiver might be seeking help and/or if there are financial concerns.

Practical and spiritual end-of-life decisions must be faced. Documents, such as a Will, Power of Attorney, Health Care Proxy and DNR orders, are necessary. Questions of faith also have to be addressed. There are still spiritual lessons to be learned and the comfort of spiritual guidance to be sought.

My husband lived for nine months after his unexpected cancer diagnosis. Although it was a challenge, I treasured the time we spent in deep conversation and prayer. Our faith supported us. There were few surprises when he passed as he also participated in his final goodbyes on earth.

But with some illnesses, there are many slow goodbyes. Death does not have a “timetable.” Loved ones may not understand what is happening and make difficult demands. Some caregivers are faced with the painful decision to remove a loved one from life support, a decision that is easy to second-guess and adds guilt and despair to the emotional mix. When we love someone, we never want to give up hope.

Indeed, each of us experiences life both alone and together, a dichotomy of sorrow.  Many in our faith community have walked and are still walking this path of lingering, sad situations. But we are never alone in our communion of saints.

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.      In an ongoing effort to offer bereavement support, this column, written by Julie Laurenzi, a retired licensed clinical social worker and head of our Consolation Ministry, will periodically appear here .Reach out to her at 518-225-1170 or Julie.laurenzi@gmail.com with questions or suggestions

 

CONSOLATION CORNER – COMPLICATED GRIEF

Posted on by admin_deb

Have you ever heard the term “complicated grief?”

Sometimes it refers to the length of time one spends grieving. Because we live in a society where we rush from one task to another, there can be      expectations – from others or self-imposed – that one should be “over the loss” or at least “doing better” by a certain point.

But grief knows no timeline nor does it follow “rules.”

Complicated grief can also refer to the type of death. A miscarriage, a stillbirth or the death of a baby or a child is particularly tragic because children are not supposed to predecease their parents. There can be misperceptions that the loss can’t be as significant if the baby hasn’t been born yet – including the death of a baby labeled “abortion.” And how can parents possibly be consoled at the loss of a child and all the accompanying dreams for the future? So some people think it’s less painful to avoid conversation about the loss, further complicating our emotional responses.

Death by murder or suicide are also losses that complicate our grief. Guilt, shame, society’s reactions and misunderstandings taint our reactions. Guilt that we didn’t do more, that we weren’t aware of undue stress; shame that we feel abandoned in this time of need because the reactions of others lead to silence when all we want to do is talk about our loved ones.

Often the stigma attached to suicide can result in isolation, compounding the pain. Misunderstandings about the Church’s response, such as whether a Mass of the Resurrection can be celebrated after a suicide (or the death of a baby not carried to term) complicate our grief. A psychiatrist once told me that clinical depression is a terminal illness. That helped me to understand that it is not the “fault” of the deceased. Any baptized Catholic is eligible to be buried following a Mass of Christian Burial. Suicide is a tragedy, often the result of mental illness, not an act of despair.

God’s love embraces us always. Our loved ones deserve to have their memories honored. We must work at redeeming the lives of our loved ones who have died by suicide and support their suffering family and friends.

“Nothing can make up for the absence of someone we love. God doesn’t fill the gap but keeps it empty to help us keep alive our communion with each other, even at the cost of pain,” says Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a Lutheran pastor and writer executed by the Nazis.

Above all, let us be kind and compassionate to each other. If you are not getting what you need in times of difficulty, please reach out.

     In an ongoing effort to offer bereavement support, this column, written by Julie Laurenzi, a retired licensed clinical social worker and head of our Consolation Ministry, will periodically appear here.Reach out to her at 518-225-1170 or Julie.laurenzi@gmail.com with questions or suggestions

 

CONSOLATION CORNER: MILESTONES & ANNIVERSARIES

Posted on by admin_deb

When a loved one passes, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and other milestones are forever changed, even though the accompanying sadness will not always be as intense. There is no right or wrong way to get through a difficult day, although well-meaning friends might offer advice that may or may not be helpful.

The first Christmas without my mother-in-law was especially difficult because it closely aligned with the anniversary of her death. A friend encouraged us to celebrate in a completely different manner. Instead of embracing our family traditions, which included The Feast of Seven Fishes (a meatless Christmas Eve meal) against a background of many joyous, music-filled hours, we went to a restaurant. The whole family relived the painful mourning of the previous year in a setting that felt off. The four kids ordered plain sandwiches. No one was comfortable, and it certainly did not feel like Christmas!

We realized afterward that to honor her was to celebrate with the very traditions that she found so meaningful. Along with delicious food and the specialties of the season, we shared fond memories and humorous stories. It felt like Christmas again!

When my husband died, I was alone. However, I carefully planned for that first anniversary. I spent it in a way that honored his memory as well as my grief – in nature, something important to both of us. I hiked in the mountains, comforted by the butterflies that flitted nearby, the sound of birds chirping and the memories of the love I was privileged to have known.

Each of us needs to look into our hearts to figure out how best to cope with a milestone: Alone or with family? At home or traveling? Eating special foods or exploring new possibilities? Ultimately, these are your decisions. I have found that planning and discussing those plans with family, making time for rest and prayer, and adding some new traditions are helpful.

Allow for tears and consider a memorial ritual – donate to a charity, volunteer at a food pantry, visit the cemetery or light a candle. Some milestones are more difficult than others, and you might find that your fear of the day is worse than the day itself.

St. Francis de Sales advises “Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you today and every day. He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.”

May you be blessed as you journey.