In an ongoing effort to support parishioners and friends during the difficult time of bereavement, this column, written by Julie Laurenzi, a retired licensed clinical social worker and head of our Consolation Ministry, will periodically appear to offer information on a variety of related topics. Feel free to reach out to her directly at 518-225-1170 or Julie.laurenzi@gmail.com with questions or suggestions
Funerals are a fact of life, and the older we get, the more frequent they can become. Yet, funerals find many of us “tongue-tied.” We want to be supportive but feel awkward. A common question is: “What should I say” – or not say?
Remember that your presence itself is a gift. Families may not recall what you say, but they will remember you were there. Attend the visitation or funeral and sign the book.
Appearing too upbeat may not be helpful, and offering platitudes may not be comforting. For example, don’t say, “I know exactly how you feel” or “God never gives us more than we can handle” or “Just try to be strong.” Instead, a simple and sincere “My condolences” is often enough, or “I’m thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.” If you have more of a connection with the bereaved, phrases such as “We all need support in times like this, and I’m here for you,” “I know how special she was to you” or “Your Mom was an inspiration to me” are all appropriate.
If you have a positive story, telling it may evoke other memories and be a source of healing. However, be mindful of how many people are in line behind you waiting to pay their respects and adjust the amount of time you spend talking. Greeting the guests can be overwhelming and exhausting for the family.
Another option would be to share a memory in a note sent shortly after the funeral. This also gives you time to read your message out loud and ask yourself: “How would I feel if someone wrote this to me?”