You probably have heard about the stages of grief that follow the loss of a loved one: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance and Hope.
Not all of these components are experienced by everyone, nor are they necessarily experienced in what might seem to be a logical linear order. Grief is a very individualized process.
And sometimes the stages of grief even begin well before the loss. It is common to many of us but rarely talked about: Anticipatory Grief.
If your loved one has received news of a terminal illness or a condition for which there is no cure, such as stage 4 cancer or Alzheimer’s or another neurological disease, this will be all too familiar. There is shock and denial: “This can’t be happening” or “There must be a mistake.” Anger: “It’s not fair.” Bargaining: “What if…” or “If only…” Depression: “What’s the point of trying?” “Life will never be the same.” Finally, Acceptance and Hope open the door to finding a way to move forward.
What a terrible dilemma! We want to comfort and care for our loved one, not prepare for their death. It doesn’t feel right somehow.
Caregivers face myriad conflicting emotions: The strain of anticipating – and then coping with – the changes in their loved one, which are heightened by the fear of the unknown. They balance vulnerability with the need to “stay strong,” grief versus gratitude, guilt versus resentment. No wonder caregiving takes such a physical and emotional toll on the caregiver.
Family dynamics can further complicate matters. The bigger the family, the more opinions there are.
Unresolved family issues can bubble up, particularly at a time when the primary caregiver might be seeking help and/or if there are financial concerns.
Practical and spiritual end-of-life decisions must be faced. Documents, such as a Will, Power of Attorney, Health Care Proxy and DNR orders, are necessary. Questions of faith also have to be addressed. There are still spiritual lessons to be learned and the comfort of spiritual guidance to be sought.
My husband lived for nine months after his unexpected cancer diagnosis. Although it was a challenge, I treasured the time we spent in deep conversation and prayer. Our faith supported us. There were few surprises when he passed as he also participated in his final goodbyes on earth.
But with some illnesses, there are many slow goodbyes. Death does not have a “timetable.” Loved ones may not understand what is happening and make difficult demands. Some caregivers are faced with the painful decision to remove a loved one from life support, a decision that is easy to second-guess and adds guilt and despair to the emotional mix. When we love someone, we never want to give up hope.
Indeed, each of us experiences life both alone and together, a dichotomy of sorrow. Many in our faith community have walked and are still walking this path of lingering, sad situations. But we are never alone in our communion of saints.
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. In an ongoing effort to offer bereavement support, this column, written by Julie Laurenzi, a retired licensed clinical social worker and head of our Consolation Ministry, will periodically appear here .Reach out to her at 518-225-1170 or Julie.laurenzi@gmail.com with questions or suggestions